I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
she looked like the before picture.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
