Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
