Define "chronic" masturbator.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
