please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This baby is an asshole
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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