i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Randomize
