oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
