mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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