now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
