I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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