last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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