apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
