At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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