i can't believe i had my finger in that
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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