I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
