he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
