WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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