he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
