it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
