I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
