So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
