Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
