Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
