oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
