I think I won the penis lottery.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
