Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
