Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
