We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
