I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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