oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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