I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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