I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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