You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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