I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
