I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
