so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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