does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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