Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
