official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
