I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
