I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
