Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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