If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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