I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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