After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
