Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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