If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
