if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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