He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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