Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Mom said you looked used
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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