Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
