last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
