I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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