I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
