he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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