So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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