why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
